Top 9: I Can’t Believe They’re Not Video Games!

Uber Photoshopping skills/I can't believe

Honestly! It’s just unbelievable! In this capitalist world, all the fat cats in big suits want more money down their pants (I assume that’s what rich people do with money), and are willing to milk the teat of an IP or franchise until said teat is withered and dry (Sorry for the horrible imagery).

Hey, just look at Star Wars – bobbleheads, lunch boxes, animations, comics – it’s still going strong and people are still coughing up nickels and dimes for a quick flash of a lightsaber. So, why don’t these films take the logical step and become video games?

Instead of putting down a cluster of shooters as films, I’ve tried to collect a movie for each genre (strategy, racer, fighter). So, if you’re favorite movie isn’t down there, it’s probably because the spot is taken by a film with an easily malleable plotline and gameplay.

There Will Be Blood

There Will Be Blood

Ahh, it’s good to have land. Or so it was in the 19th century. Take control of Daniel Plainview as you grow your oil empire from 5 barrels to 50,000, with no deaf sons to cling on to.

A 3D strategy game, you not only have to manage your oil industry by hiring employees and finding the gooey-rich land, but also help towns and cities by supplying goods, evade and kill many a bandit, and sit back on your rocking-chair.

Start off by naming your company, choosing a logo, and buying a suit (with awesome hat), and slowly build and build until you’re the richest man in the south.

[Ed Note: And for the love of god, add the Jonny Greenwood soundtrack! As a avid Radiohead fan, its a must - Jonathan]

Developer: Strategy First, or Gas Powered Games – a smaller developer accustomed to the top-down views and intricate menus.

The Great Escape

The Great Escape

Yeah, I know there was a PS2 version of the Great Escape…but it sucked. Well, it was ok, but it tried to do everything at once. What we need is a Great Escape that knows what it wants to do. And what it wants to do is escape. Greatly.

You’ll play as the plucky old Virgil Hilts, in a game that puts you in a prison and lets you find your own way out. Remember in the Chronicles Of Riddick, when you were stuck in the Cryo-sleep chamber – how you thought there was no escape, and the game would just stay like this forever?

The Great Escape would be like that. Obviously, there would be the narrative of others trying to escape, but otherwise, the game plays out day by day, as you study the grounds and try find gaps in the chain-link fence. Literally.

Of course, it’s all smoke and mirrors – they’ll be 7 or 8 ways to escape, and it’s up to you to discover them and plan your break-out (bringing more people earns more pointage, but increases risk). And there’s a minigame where you throw a ball at a wall. Awesome.

Developer: Activision – someone who’s not afraid of a well known franchise, and is willing to make a game even if cries of ‘MURDERER’ go up.



Name some fighting games. Fight Night Round 4, UFC 2009, Smackdown vs Raw, that lot. Now think of their storylines.

As much fun as making your own fighter and taking on the world is (very), it’s surprising that no (good) fighting game has a plot to follow. Yes, there have been attempts; even a last-gen game called Rocky (Oops), but those fond memories are just rose-tinted glasses blurring your vision. They failed, and it’s time to change that.

Up steps Rocky. And yes, accompanied by that music. FNR4 actually did a pretty good job at the old-fashioned fighting of Ali and Tyson, so why not step it up a notch and have Mr. Balboa starting out in the dusty training ring and swinging his way to top, complete with sightly OTT slo-mo and alot of pale brown. Y’know, to make it look old.

Developer: EA, obviously. They nailed the massive gloves in Round 4, so they might as well do it again.



‘What? How can you make a game of this movie? It just wouldn’t work.’ Yes it would. And it would rock. Instead of playing as the baby-faced poster-boy of the movie, you play as one of the many thousands fleeing New York because of ‘The Monster Thing’ (Official scientific term).

Basically, it’s a bit like the Great Escape – you can flee in any direction you want. Obviously, rendering a whole city with buildings tumbling and army gearing up would be near impossibly, so set paths – do you head underground, with few people but some scary monsters?

Climb up some buildings and try get to a helicopter evac spot? Or just leg it across the open streets and hope you’re not gunned down. In a First Person View with melee combat and a sparring number of guns, it’s going to be epic.

Developer: Konami – good with survival horror/Godzilla

House Of Flying Daggers

House Of Flying Daggers

It’s like Max Payne, only with knives and Asian. Choose to play as Leo Or Jin as you slow-mo fools around the Feng Tian county.

It’s very simple, you see. You have to find rebel leader of the House Of Flying Daggers, and to do that, you must venture through a series of levels, set in lush jungle, harsh blizzards and rural villages, throwing knives and cutting up the bad guys.

Slo-mo (It’ll probably have a rubbish name like Focus Chi) is built up by killing, and when you activate it, you can throw daggers with uber precision at the speed of sound. It’s like Wet, Max Payne and Call Of Juarez had a horrible, Chinese baby. Which can only be a good thing.

Developer: Rockstar, due to the Max Payne similarities.

I Am Legend

I Am Legend

Another game set it a ruined city, but this time, 100% more Will Smith. Play as the Fresh Prince Of Bel Air, wondering through the abandoned streets, watching out for lions, hunting deer, and petting a dog. It has a full day/night cycle, meaning you can explore the ruins by day, but at night it’s best to seek shelter. Story-wise, it’ll probably consist of following shady radio reports or something. Not the crappy stuff in the film for sure.

Developer: Ubisoft – They’re doing I Am Alive, so why not chuck this in?

V For Vendetta


Ah, like the movie, right? NO. NO NO NO. Just for clarification purposes; NO. Not the dreadful, degrading, Hollywood film, but the spectular Graphic Novel by Alan Moore (Watchmen). If you don’t have it, get it.

The game will see you play a V in a third person action game, with a stealth twist. Think Splinter Cell and House Of Flying Daggers. You’ll go through the various missions, killing old members of the Larkhill Camp.

However, each one has a twist – killing the old bishop will see you choose your way to enter the house, and instead of just killing him, despatch of his guards using the shadows, then force him to eat a poison wafer (Not my warped idea – it’s in the novel). Or the train mission – seeing you clambering across the roof of a Great Western before silently kidnapping Prothero. It’s all very cinematic, and not at all like the film.

Developer: Sony are usually good with this sort of thing.

Death Race

Death Race

It’s amazing to think this hasn’t been turned into a game yet. You’ve got everything on a platter for you. Start by customizing your own inmate, giving him a nickname (No-Legs Craig! Stubby-Fingers Joe!) from a group of pre-chosen ones.

Pick a chassis for your ride, and customize away. Your aim is to win 15 races in a row – as you win, it gets harder, and you earn upgrades like better MGs and Napalm. Activate special upgrades by ‘putting all four tires on a shield/sword’. Hell, even throw in a minigame where you play as the Dreadnought, blowing all cars into oblivion. It’s fun, fast, furious and incredibly bloody. And 16 player multiplayer, of course.

Developer: Criterion. Who else?



Liam Neeson. Basically, you put him in, this game sells TRILLIONS. He’s so…awesome! Plus, he has video-game experience with Fallout 3 (Dad was never so cool), so he’d be perfect for this.

The game follows where the hit move took place. The whiney little daughter of yours has been Taken (all makes sense now, eh?), and it’s up to you to trawl the street of gay Paris looking for her. The gameplay is similar to the Bourne game – over the shoulder, with brutal melee. There’s no HUD at all – you just use simple button commands (block, counter, attack, kinda like Batman) – with over 100 animations, it’s never going to get old.

Guns will play a lesser part – you can only use them for 6 or so bullets, and since there’s no HUD, the game auto-locks onto the nearest Eastern European fodder. You slightly move the right stick, a la GTA IV, to aim for head, legs, etc, which can be helped by a lazer sight.

Driving also plays a key part. It’s very twitchy. Just gently move the left stick in any direction, and the car will zip along, ultra responsively, allowing you to negate the roads and dive in and out of traffic on the car-missions.

Missions range from the Quarry getaway, trying to lose a Policeman in Paris, The Party, Rue De Paradis, and of course, the boat. Maybe throw in a few other missions, just to keep it ticking.

It also has Liam Neeson in it. Did I mention that?

Developer: Sierra did a good job with Bourne (melee-wise), but you might need a bigger name – Eidos or 2K, say.

But what about your favorite film? Why’s that not in here? Well, just add it to the comments section, and keep checking back to GOONL!NE for more Liam Neeson love.

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